So I finally got over my plateau that lasted a few months & I hit a major milestone this week.... I am back to my lowest weight every, my pre-pregnancy weight from my first child.
You would think that would make me happy, and while it does, I can't help but be jealous of my friends who have also lost weight. Some of these ladies look amazing! And I'm so jealous of their figures & the way they look.
I'm so hippy (not Hippy as in a Hippie, peace loving person from the 60's, but as in hippy - a person with wide hips). And I hate it!! My hips are so wide and my waist is so small. I know people say an 'hourglass' figure is desirable, but I feel so out of proportion. My whole bottom half is still so large and I just can't figure out how to lose the weight in my lower half.
I have to remind myself that that is just the way my body is shaped. I'm curvy. Also, I've been overweight my entire life & I have excess skin left over. I will never be stick thin. That's just the way I am. I need to accept that & learn to be happy with the way I look.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
What the hell am I doing???
I haven't written in a while. There hasn't been much progress to report. I've been stuck at 166 since approx July 24th. Since then, I've gone up a little & then back down, but can't seem to get past 166.
I've tried everything I can think of - eating more calories, less calories, zig zagging my calories, eating more protein, less carbs, more fruit & veggies, exercising more days/longer/harder/differently, eating the calories I burn, not eating the calories I burn, etc etc and nothing is working. I feel like I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.. trying this, trying that. No wonder my body is resisting, it doesn't know what the hell is going on!
Also, a few weeks ago, I re-calculated how many more ounces a day/pounds a week I would need to lose to get to my goal weight by my trip next Oct. At that point, I needed to lose .6 ounces a day = 4.2 ounces a week (or 1/4 of a pound). I basically made fun of that saying it was laughable & ofcourse I was going to get to it. It almost seems like my body said "Oh yeah... you think it's going to be that easy? Well take this!." I definitely jinxed myself.
I've also been checking the scale constantly.... 5 or more times a day, every day. It's a bad habit I had in the past that I had 'broken', but lately, I've started doing it again. I know that makes me stress out even more & could affect my losses.
I feel like I need to take a step back and chill out for a little.... give my body a breather. And then I will start back up. there's no way my body can be "done" losing weight.... 166 is definitely not a healthy weight for me, but maybe it just needs a small break.
I've tried everything I can think of - eating more calories, less calories, zig zagging my calories, eating more protein, less carbs, more fruit & veggies, exercising more days/longer/harder/differently, eating the calories I burn, not eating the calories I burn, etc etc and nothing is working. I feel like I am running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.. trying this, trying that. No wonder my body is resisting, it doesn't know what the hell is going on!
Also, a few weeks ago, I re-calculated how many more ounces a day/pounds a week I would need to lose to get to my goal weight by my trip next Oct. At that point, I needed to lose .6 ounces a day = 4.2 ounces a week (or 1/4 of a pound). I basically made fun of that saying it was laughable & ofcourse I was going to get to it. It almost seems like my body said "Oh yeah... you think it's going to be that easy? Well take this!." I definitely jinxed myself.
I've also been checking the scale constantly.... 5 or more times a day, every day. It's a bad habit I had in the past that I had 'broken', but lately, I've started doing it again. I know that makes me stress out even more & could affect my losses.
I feel like I need to take a step back and chill out for a little.... give my body a breather. And then I will start back up. there's no way my body can be "done" losing weight.... 166 is definitely not a healthy weight for me, but maybe it just needs a small break.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
My journey
I realized that alot of my friends that read my blog know that I've been overweight most of my life, but they probably don't know my entire journey. I'd like to share it all with you....
I noticed that I was 'chubby' around 9 or 10 years old. I was very active - I played numerous sports - soccer, t-ball/softball, & did cheerleading, but I was still chubby. Back then, it was very tough to find cute clothes for 'chubby' girls. I don't remember them having 'plus sizes' back and I wore alot of stretchy clothes. When I was in the middle school, I remember being humiliated in gym class one time... it was during heath assesment week - we had to get weighed, do the mile run, etc. Someone saw my weight written down on the teacher's info sheet & told the whole class. As bad as it was being humiliated in front of all my peers, the worst part was that the person that told everyone was someone that I considered a friend. Kids can be so cruel. From then on, I was picked on mercilessly. It hurt, but it was never enough for me to change the way I looked. At that point, I was already addicted to food and no one wanted to help me change, so I just kept eating and getting bigger. My middle school years & even part of my high school years are a blur. My brain has done a good job to hide those memories... I realize now that it's probably my way of protecting myself from the pain & loneliness I felt.
When I was 16, my grandmother asked me to do Jenny Craig with her. I always thought she just wanted someone to go with, but now I realize that she was doing it for me. She was trying to help me. I can't remember my starting weight, but it was probably somewhere around 240ish. My grandmother & I went weekly to the JC center to meet with our weight loss advisor and buy our food for the week. I hated the food, but I was losing weight so for once, I was starting to feel good about myself. I got down to about 203 pounds and started to lose focus. I started going back to my old love.... food. And it just went uphill from there.... my weight that is. At that point in my life, I wasn't ready... I wasn't strong enough to change.
This is where my real weight loss journey begins. After my Freshman year of college, I decided that I wanted to lose weight. I was finally ready to do it for me. As humiliating as it once might have been, I have come to terms with the number, so I openly admit my starting weight - I was 280 pounds at 19 years old.
I didn't know anything about nutrition. I didn't know anything about losing weight. I just knew I had to do it. I got a notebook and started counting calories (something that has now become an obsession.... in one form or another... keep reading). For the first few months, all I was doing was cutting & counting calories and then I started working out on an old exercise bike. Almost a year later, I was 80 pounds lighter - 200 pounds!
It was at that point in time that I met my husband and we started dating. We only got to see each other about once a week because we attended different colleges about an hour away. Even though we didn't see each other that often, he took my focus off my weight loss & my loss stalled and I stayed around 200 pounds for a long time. He graduated college about a year later & we decided to move in together. Once we were living together, it became a major struggle to stay on track with my weight loss (well.... at that point, I was in 'maintenace mode'). We ate out alot, and I started gaining weight again. When he proposed a year later, I was 230 pounds. I refused to be fat on my wedding day so I started losing weight. It was at the time that the Atkins diet was popular, so I jumped on board. I lost 30 pounds rather quickly and once again, I was back to 200 pounds. 200 pounds was becoming my biggest nemisis. I just couldn't get past that number. On my wedding day, I was 200 pounds.
A few days after we got home from our honeymoon, I decided I wanted to keep losing weight & to try to get under 200 pounds.... I wanted to be skinny! I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I remember losing 7 pounds that first week and I remember how amazing it felt to be under 200 pounds. I never wanted to be over 200 pounds again. I became obsessed with losing weight (even more then before). I was working out 2, sometimes even 3 times a day. I would exercise at work (they had a small gym) and then go home & work out again. I was following the WW points, but I was doing a modified version called "The Wendie Plan". Basically, the wendie plan is a way of alternating your points each day so that some days you eat more points & other days you eat less.... sort of a 'zig zag' way of eating so that your body doesn't get used to eating the same exact amount each day & to always keep it guessing & burning.
So I followed the wendie plan & my exercise routine and on my 1 year wedding aniversary I was 163 pounds. I was toned & thought I looked good. Everyone was amazed with my progress and I felt good about myself for the first time in my life.
My success didn't last long. I got pregnant with my oldest son a month later. I tried so hard not to gain alot of weight. I continued to watch my calorie intake very closely (making sure I ate enough calories for a pregnant woman as advised by my OB, ofcourse) and I even exercised on a daily basis. However, I gained 40 pounds. After my son was born, I jumped right back on WW, thinking it would be easy to lose the weight. But weeks turned into months & the weight was not coming off. I started to get discouraged & basically gave up. When my son was 2, it was discovered that I had a pregnancy-induced underactive thyroid. But it never went back to normal after I had my son, so that was probably the cause of why I couldn't lose the weight. I started taking medication to correct the problems & slowly, the weight started coming off, but I was still discouraged & frustrated so I wasn't trying as hard as I had in the past. And then I got pregnant with my second son and the underactive-thyroid situation got worse. I had to go to the doctors monthly to be monitored for it and they kept having to increase my dosage because my thyroid was failing so badly. I gained 60 pounds that pregnancy. I was a huge blob. I lost all definition & tone that I previously had. After my 2nd son was born I lost about 30 pounds instantly (weight of the baby plus tons of water weight from swelling).
And then at 4 months post pardum, I found out I was pregnant again. However, something weird started happening... I began to lose weight! I was a little sick - upset tummy - but not throwing up. And I was eating like a pig. Turns out that my weird underactive thyroid was working again. So now my body was producing it's own thryoid hormones plus I was taking the synthetic hormones, so my doctors started reducing my dosage and I stopped losing weight. In my 2 previous pregnancies I started gaining weight the minute I got a positive pregnancy test, but this time, I didn't start gaining weight until about 20 weeks. And I only gained 25 pounds total. Granted, I didn't need to gain any at all since I still had excess weight from my last 2 pregnancies hanging around, but I was glad it wasn't another 60 pound weight gain. When I delivered my daughter, I was 235 pounds. I promised myself that that would be the last time I ever saw a number that high again.
After having her, my thyroid returned to normal. It was almost as if my 1st pregnancy broke me & my last pregnancy fixed me. My body must have known that was my last pregnancy or something. My doctor has never seen something like that happen & can't really explain it. But it's working fine now & I no longer take thyroid medication.
When my daughter was a few weeks old, I decided to finish my weight loss journey & lose the weight once and for all. I signed back up for Weight Watchers and I haven't looked back since. I currently follow the 'wendie plan' again... doing the whole zig zag thing & it really works for me. It's a struggle with 3 kids, but I'm determined to do it. Not only for myself, but for them. I don't want to be a fat mom. I don't want them to be ashamed of me & how I look.
I won't lie, it's a struggle every day to stay on track & it's a struggle to get off my butt & exercise. I just take things 1 day at a time. I am currently 166 pounds - I have lost 69 pounds and I am only 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight from my first son, which also happens to be my lowest weight ever. But my body is alot different then it was the last time I was 163 pounds. It's not as toned as last time. I'm flabbier... I have tons of excess, flabby skin that I hate. And I have the 'mom' belly. No matter what exercises I do, I can't seem to lose weight in the areas that actually need it (butt, belly, thighs, hips). I do not like the way I look this time around.
I really want to get surgery to have all the excess skin taken off. I think that would really help with the problem areas that I can't seem to get rid of. Plus, all this skin must weigh atleast 20 pounds. lol. My husband doesn't understand why. He says I look fine the way I am and also tells me to stop losing weight cuz I'm at a good weight. But I don't think I look good at all. To try to apease him, I started using the It Works products and while they help a little (lost some inches on my belly & arms, it's just not fast enough).... I'm begining to realize that it's going to take alot more then that to help me & I think that surgery might be the best option.
I'm still addicted to food, but I like to think that I've learned how to control my addiction. Now my obsession is losing weight & getting my dream body. I know a lot of people don't understand (including my husband) my obsession.
All I want is to be thin. And I don't want to compromise & be thin inside a flabby body.
This journey has lasted 11 years. That's 1/3 of my life. And it's not over. It will never be over. Even when I get to my goal weight I will have to continue to monitor how much I eat and still continue to exercise. This is a lifestyle change.
I'm not writing this for pity or sympathy. I'm writing this so that people will understand me a little better. And also so I can understand myself a little more. And also to look back on where I came from & be proud of my accomplishments, because sometimes I forget how hard I've struggled and just how far I've come. If I never get the surgery to 'fix' the flabby skin, I need to come to terms with that and to love my body for the way it is.
I noticed that I was 'chubby' around 9 or 10 years old. I was very active - I played numerous sports - soccer, t-ball/softball, & did cheerleading, but I was still chubby. Back then, it was very tough to find cute clothes for 'chubby' girls. I don't remember them having 'plus sizes' back and I wore alot of stretchy clothes. When I was in the middle school, I remember being humiliated in gym class one time... it was during heath assesment week - we had to get weighed, do the mile run, etc. Someone saw my weight written down on the teacher's info sheet & told the whole class. As bad as it was being humiliated in front of all my peers, the worst part was that the person that told everyone was someone that I considered a friend. Kids can be so cruel. From then on, I was picked on mercilessly. It hurt, but it was never enough for me to change the way I looked. At that point, I was already addicted to food and no one wanted to help me change, so I just kept eating and getting bigger. My middle school years & even part of my high school years are a blur. My brain has done a good job to hide those memories... I realize now that it's probably my way of protecting myself from the pain & loneliness I felt.
When I was 16, my grandmother asked me to do Jenny Craig with her. I always thought she just wanted someone to go with, but now I realize that she was doing it for me. She was trying to help me. I can't remember my starting weight, but it was probably somewhere around 240ish. My grandmother & I went weekly to the JC center to meet with our weight loss advisor and buy our food for the week. I hated the food, but I was losing weight so for once, I was starting to feel good about myself. I got down to about 203 pounds and started to lose focus. I started going back to my old love.... food. And it just went uphill from there.... my weight that is. At that point in my life, I wasn't ready... I wasn't strong enough to change.
This is where my real weight loss journey begins. After my Freshman year of college, I decided that I wanted to lose weight. I was finally ready to do it for me. As humiliating as it once might have been, I have come to terms with the number, so I openly admit my starting weight - I was 280 pounds at 19 years old.
I didn't know anything about nutrition. I didn't know anything about losing weight. I just knew I had to do it. I got a notebook and started counting calories (something that has now become an obsession.... in one form or another... keep reading). For the first few months, all I was doing was cutting & counting calories and then I started working out on an old exercise bike. Almost a year later, I was 80 pounds lighter - 200 pounds!
It was at that point in time that I met my husband and we started dating. We only got to see each other about once a week because we attended different colleges about an hour away. Even though we didn't see each other that often, he took my focus off my weight loss & my loss stalled and I stayed around 200 pounds for a long time. He graduated college about a year later & we decided to move in together. Once we were living together, it became a major struggle to stay on track with my weight loss (well.... at that point, I was in 'maintenace mode'). We ate out alot, and I started gaining weight again. When he proposed a year later, I was 230 pounds. I refused to be fat on my wedding day so I started losing weight. It was at the time that the Atkins diet was popular, so I jumped on board. I lost 30 pounds rather quickly and once again, I was back to 200 pounds. 200 pounds was becoming my biggest nemisis. I just couldn't get past that number. On my wedding day, I was 200 pounds.
A few days after we got home from our honeymoon, I decided I wanted to keep losing weight & to try to get under 200 pounds.... I wanted to be skinny! I signed up for Weight Watchers online. I remember losing 7 pounds that first week and I remember how amazing it felt to be under 200 pounds. I never wanted to be over 200 pounds again. I became obsessed with losing weight (even more then before). I was working out 2, sometimes even 3 times a day. I would exercise at work (they had a small gym) and then go home & work out again. I was following the WW points, but I was doing a modified version called "The Wendie Plan". Basically, the wendie plan is a way of alternating your points each day so that some days you eat more points & other days you eat less.... sort of a 'zig zag' way of eating so that your body doesn't get used to eating the same exact amount each day & to always keep it guessing & burning.
So I followed the wendie plan & my exercise routine and on my 1 year wedding aniversary I was 163 pounds. I was toned & thought I looked good. Everyone was amazed with my progress and I felt good about myself for the first time in my life.
My success didn't last long. I got pregnant with my oldest son a month later. I tried so hard not to gain alot of weight. I continued to watch my calorie intake very closely (making sure I ate enough calories for a pregnant woman as advised by my OB, ofcourse) and I even exercised on a daily basis. However, I gained 40 pounds. After my son was born, I jumped right back on WW, thinking it would be easy to lose the weight. But weeks turned into months & the weight was not coming off. I started to get discouraged & basically gave up. When my son was 2, it was discovered that I had a pregnancy-induced underactive thyroid. But it never went back to normal after I had my son, so that was probably the cause of why I couldn't lose the weight. I started taking medication to correct the problems & slowly, the weight started coming off, but I was still discouraged & frustrated so I wasn't trying as hard as I had in the past. And then I got pregnant with my second son and the underactive-thyroid situation got worse. I had to go to the doctors monthly to be monitored for it and they kept having to increase my dosage because my thyroid was failing so badly. I gained 60 pounds that pregnancy. I was a huge blob. I lost all definition & tone that I previously had. After my 2nd son was born I lost about 30 pounds instantly (weight of the baby plus tons of water weight from swelling).
And then at 4 months post pardum, I found out I was pregnant again. However, something weird started happening... I began to lose weight! I was a little sick - upset tummy - but not throwing up. And I was eating like a pig. Turns out that my weird underactive thyroid was working again. So now my body was producing it's own thryoid hormones plus I was taking the synthetic hormones, so my doctors started reducing my dosage and I stopped losing weight. In my 2 previous pregnancies I started gaining weight the minute I got a positive pregnancy test, but this time, I didn't start gaining weight until about 20 weeks. And I only gained 25 pounds total. Granted, I didn't need to gain any at all since I still had excess weight from my last 2 pregnancies hanging around, but I was glad it wasn't another 60 pound weight gain. When I delivered my daughter, I was 235 pounds. I promised myself that that would be the last time I ever saw a number that high again.
After having her, my thyroid returned to normal. It was almost as if my 1st pregnancy broke me & my last pregnancy fixed me. My body must have known that was my last pregnancy or something. My doctor has never seen something like that happen & can't really explain it. But it's working fine now & I no longer take thyroid medication.
When my daughter was a few weeks old, I decided to finish my weight loss journey & lose the weight once and for all. I signed back up for Weight Watchers and I haven't looked back since. I currently follow the 'wendie plan' again... doing the whole zig zag thing & it really works for me. It's a struggle with 3 kids, but I'm determined to do it. Not only for myself, but for them. I don't want to be a fat mom. I don't want them to be ashamed of me & how I look.
I won't lie, it's a struggle every day to stay on track & it's a struggle to get off my butt & exercise. I just take things 1 day at a time. I am currently 166 pounds - I have lost 69 pounds and I am only 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight from my first son, which also happens to be my lowest weight ever. But my body is alot different then it was the last time I was 163 pounds. It's not as toned as last time. I'm flabbier... I have tons of excess, flabby skin that I hate. And I have the 'mom' belly. No matter what exercises I do, I can't seem to lose weight in the areas that actually need it (butt, belly, thighs, hips). I do not like the way I look this time around.
I really want to get surgery to have all the excess skin taken off. I think that would really help with the problem areas that I can't seem to get rid of. Plus, all this skin must weigh atleast 20 pounds. lol. My husband doesn't understand why. He says I look fine the way I am and also tells me to stop losing weight cuz I'm at a good weight. But I don't think I look good at all. To try to apease him, I started using the It Works products and while they help a little (lost some inches on my belly & arms, it's just not fast enough).... I'm begining to realize that it's going to take alot more then that to help me & I think that surgery might be the best option.
I'm still addicted to food, but I like to think that I've learned how to control my addiction. Now my obsession is losing weight & getting my dream body. I know a lot of people don't understand (including my husband) my obsession.
All I want is to be thin. And I don't want to compromise & be thin inside a flabby body.
This journey has lasted 11 years. That's 1/3 of my life. And it's not over. It will never be over. Even when I get to my goal weight I will have to continue to monitor how much I eat and still continue to exercise. This is a lifestyle change.
I'm not writing this for pity or sympathy. I'm writing this so that people will understand me a little better. And also so I can understand myself a little more. And also to look back on where I came from & be proud of my accomplishments, because sometimes I forget how hard I've struggled and just how far I've come. If I never get the surgery to 'fix' the flabby skin, I need to come to terms with that and to love my body for the way it is.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Not a 10 anymore...lol
I wore my new size 10 jeans around the house for a day and they were bugging me. I didn't like how high up the waist went. they weren't comfy at all. I decided that I shouldn't settle for them JUST because they were a size 10 & cheaper. I decided to return them & get the size 12's from Old Navy since their jeans were what I was used to wearing. I can fit into the 10's from there but they were a little too tight, so I decided to just go for the 12's. I hope I don't regret my decision in a few days/weeks when the 12's become too big and I wish I had just gone for the 10's. I hate spending money on clothes/jeans that I'm only going to wear for a short time. =/
Thursday, July 21, 2011
New plan
I am currently 5 pounds away from my lowest weight ever (my pre-pregnancy weight from my 1st son) and my body was soooo different then it is now. Everything was firmer, trimmer, toner, etc. And I think that part of it was that I was working out every day, sometimes twice a day. I would do either the treadmill or elliptical during my lunch break (my office had a little gym in it) and then when I got home I did my Firm videos. Now, I don't think that is do-able with my lifestyle now (3 kids). But I really do need to start doing the Firm videos again. I think they will really help me trim down some areas. the Firm vidoes mixes cardio with weight training which I NEED for my arms & legs.
So now I need to figure out when & how. I think I will continue to do the treadclimber 3x a week in the mornings. but I will try to do the Firm videos 2x a week at night, but for the next few weeks I will have to work it around Ryan's soccer schedule, which is fine. Then in a month when Ryan starts school, I can do the Firm videos in the afternoon when he's in school & the other two are napping
Hopefully I will be feeling better by Monday so (have a little cold) I can get get into my new routine!
So now I need to figure out when & how. I think I will continue to do the treadclimber 3x a week in the mornings. but I will try to do the Firm videos 2x a week at night, but for the next few weeks I will have to work it around Ryan's soccer schedule, which is fine. Then in a month when Ryan starts school, I can do the Firm videos in the afternoon when he's in school & the other two are napping
Hopefully I will be feeling better by Monday so (have a little cold) I can get get into my new routine!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I'm a 10!
So I finally decided to give in and buy myself a new pair of pants because my other pants were sooo baggy on me (size 14's from Old Navy). I knew I'd be alteast a 12 but I was hoping for a 10. I went to the store today & low and behold, I fit into a size 10! I tried on a few different brands & some I couldn't fit into a 10, but I went with the 10 in the brand that i fit into. haha.
I never thought I'd fit into a 10. I have a few size 12 items (shorts & 1 skirt) from before I got pregnant with Ryan but I just never thought a 10 would be obtainable. and now that I fit into a size 10, I'm thinking that I probably can't go any lower. My butt is just huge. when my hubby saw me in the jeans he called it a badunkadunk butt. I know he means well, but to me I just hear "HUGE. FAT., etc" ugggg. i'm never going to lose this thing. And I doubt if I will get into a smaller size then a 10. Parts of me are just still way too big, even though I try to shrink them. The It Works stuff is helping, but not fast enough. Maybe I should just give in & take the easy route and get a full body tuck. BLAH! Always the pessimist & always trying to take the easy way out (which is how I got to be the way I was in the first place!) =(
Why can I never be happy with my accomplishments? I always find something to complain or hate.
I never thought I'd fit into a 10. I have a few size 12 items (shorts & 1 skirt) from before I got pregnant with Ryan but I just never thought a 10 would be obtainable. and now that I fit into a size 10, I'm thinking that I probably can't go any lower. My butt is just huge. when my hubby saw me in the jeans he called it a badunkadunk butt. I know he means well, but to me I just hear "HUGE. FAT., etc" ugggg. i'm never going to lose this thing. And I doubt if I will get into a smaller size then a 10. Parts of me are just still way too big, even though I try to shrink them. The It Works stuff is helping, but not fast enough. Maybe I should just give in & take the easy route and get a full body tuck. BLAH! Always the pessimist & always trying to take the easy way out (which is how I got to be the way I was in the first place!) =(
Why can I never be happy with my accomplishments? I always find something to complain or hate.
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