PO Day 8&9

Day 8 & 9 I forgot to post about my day yesterday. It was kind of a "normal" day... nothing too exciting. I had weird dreams the night before from the tylenol with codeine. I took one yesterday morning and it made me dizzy, so I stopped taking them too. Now I'm just taking regular tylenol as needed. But I'm not really in alot of pain much anymore, so they're not really needed much anymore anyway. What I feel now is mostly discomfort from the incisions. My upper arms are still really tight, especially the right side (the one that swelled really badly) and I can't really put my arms flat against my body. It's kind of awkward to walk around like that, but hopefully with time they will return to normal. they still have the mesh medical tape on them too, which I think makes it harder for me to move them normally. Today (day 9) I went to the doctors. He took the 2nd drain out! YAY! I'm finally FREE! I'm sure I'll still be wearing yoga pants for awhile because anything rubbing up against the incisions hurt, but atleast I can pull my pants up normally without having something in the way. He said he's not in a rush to get rid of the mesh medical tape stuff that is over the scars (boo!!) but if some of it starts to come loose (which it will) then I can cut it off. Otherwise, he said everything looks great and I'm healing good. I have to go see him again on Monday & then he'll be away for a week so I won't have to go back after that for atleast another week or so. My stomach still feels kind of fluffy in the middle like there are pockets of fluid. hopefully those will go away soon. Now that the drains are out, any fluid that's still in there will eventually just get absorbed by my body & flushed out. I feel like such a fatty lately because all I want to do is eat crap. I'm trying really hard to stay on track with my eating... that is critical right now in order for me to not gain too much weight during recovery. But today I want chinese food. I wonder if I'll give in & get it =/

PO Day 7 - Doctors appointment & Pics of my stomach & arms

Day 7 -doctors appointment. I went to the doctors this morning. He took 1 drain out and the other one will probably be able to come out on Wednesday! yay! I'll finally be able to wear pants normally again! I stopped taking the vicodin on Sat night but then I took it 1 time on Sunday but it made me nauseus & dizzy so I stopped taking it again. He gave me a new prescription for pain meds, but he said he's impressed that I've been surviving (even if it was just barely) on regular tylenol all weekend. He said I'm healing & looking great. And then he joked and asked me how much weight I've gained. When I told him (as of this morning it's 8 pounds... atleast it's going down a little)- he said he promises that he took weight off, not put any on. But he said it's pretty normal - between the fluids, the meds, not being active, etc, that it happens to everyone. And lastly he said at this point, I'm probably wondering why I did this and I will continue to feel that way for a few months. He said the scars will look really bad at around 2 months - basically things will get worse before they get better. But in time, I will be happy with the results. I told him about my stomach, how it puffs out & I think it looks awful. he said that it's partially due to some fluid still being in there, but that it's also just the shape of my stomach now... so I guess I have to get used to it. =/ He basically knew what I was feeling/thinking before I even said it. I got my new medicine and I'm feeling much better. Less moody & I'm feeling more optimistic about things. This afternoon I decided to take the binder off my stomach because it's so restrictive & I really wanted to be free of it for a bit. the middle section of my stomach (around my belly button where the tape is) is very jiggly & "fluffy" still, but everything around it is pretty tight. When i took off the binder I noticed that there seemed to be less swelling in the middle area so I didn't look as bad as the first time I saw it. I decided to take some pictures to share.... Hope the ugly drain doesn't gross anyone out


The incision looks like it's black but that is just the glue they used..... but that's what it looks like....
from the side


And pictures of my arm....

PO Days 3-6

Day 3 - Thursday, the 24th I woke up feeling swollen from head to toe. My husband called the doctor to schedule my first pre-op appt for Friday and informed him of the swelling in my hand/arms. My right side was basically double it's normal size now. I asked for an anti-inflammatory (they had give me some at the hospital) but he said to try to hang in there until I saw him the next day. Today was a painful day, I tried to sleep most of it away, but I couldn't wait to get to the doctors to get the bandages taken off - and to hopefully get a peek at my arms. Day 4 - Friday, the 25th My doctors appointment went well. He removed the bandages on my arms and said he wanted to leave them off to see if the swelling would go down. He warned me that it would take a long time for the swelling to go down, but to keep them elevated as much as possible (which I was already doing, but it was hard with the bandages on them). I also got a peek at my stomach (laying down). While it looked like a roadmap of black stitches, it looked nice & flat and I was pretty excited about it. My doctor told me I was still draining too much for him to remove the drains, so they would have to stay in but that everything was waterproof so I could start showering if I wanted to. He also informed me that the vicodin I was on, was going to cause me to be constipated and I should start taking colace. Wish he had told me that on Wednesday, because I could already tell I was getting bound up. I hadn't had a BM since before surgery. When I got home that afternoon, I decided it was time for a shower. That's the first time I got a look at my stomach while standing up - it was awful. I hate it! My waistline is completely different and the middle sticks out like I'm about 5 months pregnant. It makes me really upset to think about it - all this pain and I don't even like the results. I spent months wondering & dreaming about what it would look like & this is not what I expected it to be like at all. I know it will take a long time for me to get used to my new shape. I'm so used to having a smaller waist... but now it's all kind of the same width and it's going to take awhile to get used to. While it will be a little while before I'm brave enough to share pictures of my stomach, I did take some 'after' pics of my arms to share (which can be viewed on FB or in another post here on my blog). I am pretty pleased, so far about my arms. Despite the stitches & bruising, they look so much better than before. Weird thing is, I measured them and they're measuring bigger than before despite that they took skin off... I'm assuming that it's from all the swelling. I just hope all this swelling & stretching of the skin isn't going to make them look awful & saggy once the swelling goes down. I stepped on the scale and I'm about 10 pounds heavier than when I went into the hospital - not making me happy at all. I know that most of it is from the swelling, but I also have not been eating that great since surgery day so I need to buckle down on that. I can't exercise for awhile, so I can not let myself go... I do not want to gain weight & have to lose weight once this is over. I also measured my waist and again, just like my arms, I am measuring bigger all over the place. Again... NOT happy. Anyway, my shower went well. I started to feel more like a human being. I spent the afternoon elevating my arms and the swelling seemed like it was starting to go down. Still not able to pass a BM. I was in the bathroom every hour or so trying to poop.... it was there, but just too big to pass through & I didn't want to push too hard. Day 5 - Saurday the 26th. Woke up at 2 am and had to poop. This was finally it! If you thought the first BM after childbirth was bad... this was 10 times worse. I have never been in that much pain before in my life. But it finally passed. And the swelling in my arms was back. All that time elevating them & the swelling came right back. Saturday morning Hayley had ballet & Ryan had soccer. I had to miss both. The rest of the day was spent doing much of the same - laying on the couch in pain. Day 6 - Sunday the 27th I didn't take my vicodin last night because I was worried the constipation would come back. Instead, I only took tylenol and I could definitely feel it when I woke up this morning. I was in pain & very moody. I took a shower this morning & cried about my arms & my stomach.... wondering why I did this. The swelling is finally going away (again) in my arms, but the upper arms are still extremely tight and painful. The stiches go into my armpit and aren't that painful but they're uncomfortable & they get snagged on my bathrobe. my arms are also oozing blood & other drainage 24/7. it's pretty discusting to have stuff just oozing out of you all the time. Hayley & Alex both caught a glimpse of my arms when i took off my bathrobe and are now scared of my arms. Alex wants to know what is that black thing on my arm is (the stiches) & Hayley just says she doesn't like them and ran away from me. And my stomach is still a mess. I just can't imagine that in a few weeks time it's going to be looking anything like what I imagined it would be like. This afternoon, I noticed that I was peeing a lot more, even though I'm not really drinking more than normal. I think all the excess fluid is finally starting to make it's way out. There is less drainage coming out of my stomach, so I'm hoping that at my doctors appointment tomorrow atleast one of the drains will come out. they're not in the most ideal location and I can't pull my pants up all the way. I also have to wear a binder (big girdle thingy) around my waist. The doctor said it was to put pressure on my stomach, but I don't really know if it's helping... it just seems to make switching positions (sitting to standing) more difficult. i'm walking around pretty easily. the pain in my stomach is actually pretty minimal. It's mostly my arms that are still causing the most discomfort. So far, everything I was told about the surgery is completely different.... I was told (not only by my doctor but by others that had similar surgeries) that it's not an invasive surgery & most people go back to work within a week or so. I think that's a complete load of bull shit!! This recovery is going to take a lot longer than I expected. So here I was, thinking surgery would be the worst part & that everything else would be easy breezy but it's not. I wish I could speed up time past these next few months. Right now, if you were to ask if it's worth it, I would say HELL NO! Don't do it. But... ask again in a few months and maybe I'll have something different to say. I've been mostly passing the time watching Gilmore Girls (I have all the seasons on DVD). I'm already about halfway through season 2.... although I haven't actually watched all the episodes. I fall asleep most of the time and only watch a few bits here & there. I also feel like I'm sleeping ALL the time and I miss out on so much of what the kids are doing. I'm hoping in a week or so that my schedule will be a little more normal

Surgery day 1 & PO day 2

Day 1 & 2 I finally had some time to sit down and decided I better get everyone caught up on my surgery (and to write it all down before I forgot). Tuesday Jan 22 - Surgery day - Day 1 I got to the hospital at 8am. Surgery was set for 9am and there was lots to do in that hour before. I got an IV started in my left hand but was informed it would be moved to my foot shortly after I went to sleep. The doctor marked my stomach & arms. Then I talked to the anestesiologist about the type of pain medication he would use - an epidural in my back for the stomach, but there was nothing he could do for the arms. I wasn't expecting much pain, so I wasn't too worried... boy was I wrong! They wheeled me into the OR and got me all set up and then put the mask on me and I was out.... it seemed like only a few seconds and then they were waking me up. I had an itch on my face, and when I moved my hand to itch it.... INSTANT pain! I told the nurse & they hooked me up to a morphine drip for the pain. It was then that I was informed I would not be going home that night (as planned) due to the pain. And on top of that, I would have to stay in that recovery room for 4 hours before being transfered to my regular room... and I couldn't have any visitors even my husband in the recovery room. I was very upset, all I wanted was to see my kids. The first 3 hours in that room passed by pretty quickly because I wa sleeping most of the time. Any time that I did wake up, I was nauseaus and they would not allow me to drink anything. At about 4pm, they told me that my husband suddenly had to leave - they said he could not wait until 5:30 for me to be transfered and that I can call him when I got to my room. I got a new nurse shortly after that & since no one else was in the recovery room with me (everyone else had come & gone from that day's surgeries), she asked if my husband might want to come in, but since I was informed he had left, I told her that. So the last hour passed by very slowly. They moved my IV for a 3rd time... this time from my foot to my right hand. Finally at 5:30 they were able to call for someone to transfer me to my room. As I was wheeled out of recovery & passed the waiting area- who should appear but my husband. he had been sitting there the entire time and had been constantly asking when he could go in & see me. Apparently he had gone to the cafeteria at 4pm and the nurse thought he was leaving for good. They brought me to my room where they wanted me to "scoot" to my bed using my arms.... the arms that had just been cut open. So I scooted & screamed in pain. The pain I felt in my arms was worse than childbirth. I still didn't have any feeling in my stomach so I had no idea what the pain down there would be like. They made me get up to use the bathroom (very unsteadily) and then got me comfortable back in bed. They ordered me dinner which was a delicious looking chicken salad sandwich, angel food cake & a roll, but I was only able to eat about 1 bite of before I threw everything (and more) up. It had been over 24 hours since I had eaten anything. I was starving, but unable to keep anything down. I asked the nurse for anything soft - jello, sherbert, anything! she brought me jello & I was finally able to keep that down. And I was finally able to talk to my kids before Mark left. That night, I was poked & prodded every hour on the hour. My IV alarm decided to start going off every 5 minutes starting at midnight & one of the night nurses would just turn off the alarm and not check what was wrong.... only for it to come back on 5 minutes later. that lasted about an hour before a different nurse came in & adjusted the bag and it finally stopped! Just when I thought I might finally fall asleep, my wacky night nurse decided that 1 am was a good time for a conversation about my surgery. She was obsessed with seeing the "results" and kept saying she wished she could see the results. And then she brought in half of the night staff into my room at 5am so I could tell them my story too. So my night that was supposed to be spent recovering with minimal interuption did not exist. I could not wait to get home the next day. But once I had the morphine drip in me, I was not feeling any pain. Thank god for that drip. boy would I miss it! Day 2 - Wed, the 23rd. It was so kind of them to bring me 1 whole slice of french toast and a small banana for breakfast.... after almost 40 hours without any real food in me, that sure filled me up. *eyeroll* As the morning passed by slowly, I was starting to lose hope that I would get to go home that day. Until my doctor came in at noon & said I looked well enough to go home - happy day! I asked him how much skin he took off my stomach & he said about 3 pounds of skin. I didn't ask about the arms & he didn't mention them but I'm guessing about 1 pound between the two of them. It was a little disappointing, I reall thought it would have been alot more, but I guess 3 pounds is a good amount? I called my husband to come get me & by the time he got there about an hour later, I was ready to go home. It took awhile to get dressed and ready to leave by finally, I was free! When I first arrived at home, Alex & Hayley were very timid to come near me. Alex held onto my grandmother's hand and peered shyly at me. I quickly put on my bathrobe to cover the ugly drains I have for my stomach. After questioning the drains, but realizing that I'm ok, he came over and took my hand. I was tired & starting to hurt so I went right to the couch to lie down. Hayley slowly snuggled up next to me where she ever so gently held my hand and told me (in a very serious tone) that she had to take care of me! I dozed in and out for a few hours and at one point, when I looked over at her, she was starting to doze off with her eyes closed, so I told her she could rest her head on my leg, which she did. That afternoon/night I continued to keep up with my pain meds (also taking an antibiotic) and slept most of the time. My hands started to swell (mostly my right side) and the bandages around my upper arms became extremely painful & tight.

What comes next??

If you've been following my blog (which I know I have been slacking on updating) you will know that I was overweight as a child & teenager. When I graduated from high school I weighed 280 pounds, that was my all time heaviest. At the age of 19, I begun my weight loss journey and even though I have lost a total of 132 pounds it hasn't happened all at once. It has been a looooong 11 years. When I first started losing weight at 19 (in the year 2000) I went from 280 pounds to 200 pounds and that is where I stayed until I got married in 2004. At that time, I just focused on portion control, making healthy choices & walking for exercise and the weight basically just fell right off. After I got married, I decided I wanted to try losing some more weight, so I joined Weight Watchers and got down to 163 pounds. I never really got to enjoy that sucess because soon after, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. 3 pregnancies later along with a pregnancy induced under active thyroid, I was back up to 235 pounds in June 2010 when my daughter (my youngest & last child) was born. Now that I was done with kids, there were no more excuses! I had to lose the weight one last time and then work on maintaining that healthy lifestyle & weight for the rest of my life. I joined weight watchers for a 2nd time in July 2010. It took me about a year to go from 235 pounds to 165 pounds (70 pounds lost), but it was pretty easy & I steadily lost atleast a pound or more a week. Since then, it has been a struggle every single day. I've managed to lose another 17 pounds by doing it on my own using MFP, but it has taken me almost 15 months just to lose those 17 pounds. And I still have another 8-10 pounds that I would like to lose, but have begun to think that it will never happen. My body is very comfortable at this weight and no matter what I do, I just yo-yo back and forth between a couple of pounds. I know I should be proud of myself, but it's very hard for me to recognize & acknowledge my success because I still have low self esteem & still hate the way I look. And I still love food & love to eat. lol. It's a struggle I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I just have to remind myself of that & it's ok to slip up... I just have to take things one day at a time and do the best I can do. I recently went to see a plastic surgeon and we began the (long) process by talking about skin removal surgery. I will need skin removed from my lower & upper belly, under my arms, my back/butt and my thighs as well as a boob lift. The excess skin makes me feel bad about myself, I still feel so ugly, and it continues to weigh me down and make my normal day to day activities difficult. My insurance company will pay for only 1 portion of the surgery - the lower belly as long as it fits their criteria to be considered medically necessary. Our initial claim to the insurance company was denied, but I decided to appeal by writing a long letter to the ins. company and they approved the payment for the procedure! My plastic surgeon & I then talked about the next step for surgery and I am getting 3 areas taken care of on the 1st surgery - my upper & lower bely along with my arms. Those are the areas on my body (especially my arms) that I feel the worst about. My surgery is set for Jan 22, 2013!! And then once that surgery is over & I'm fully recovered, we will talk about whether or not I want to have the skin removed on my back/butt & thighs. One step at a time! I'm hoping that this will help me feel better about myself.

Time to find it again

I've completely lost my will power & motivation to lose weight. I still have 3 pounds or so to go until my Disney goal weight & another 10 (13 total) until my ultimate goal. I have only lost about 10 pounds since last July. I keep going up & down & up & down. I suck so badly. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control lately, especially on the weekends. I binge bad & then spend all week trying to fix it. I don't want to go back to the way I used to be, but I feel myself slipping back into old habits. My life has been hectic lately - we bought a house!! I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but that is just the way I am!! For the last 2 weeks I've been saying "I'm going to get back on track this week." and then I never do. My goal this week was to start my new exercise routine. I pushed myself to exercise two times but then I ate like crap so it's like "why did I bother exercising?" So now I'm starting over.... AGAIN (*eyeroll*).... tomorrow for real! . I really need to refocus & find my motivation again. I have 5 months til Disney. I already bought about 5 shirts to wear while I'm there & I can't gain any weight or they won't fit. lol. So I guess I will use that as my motivation. The first week getting back on track is always rough - all those "bad" food cravings taunting me. But I can't give in, not this time. I need to be stronger then my cravings. I know by week 2 or 3 they will start to taper off, it's just getting to that point is tough sometimes. But if I don't do it now, I'm just going to be in this vicious cycle where I'm 'starting over again" every week. So, here I go (again). Let's do this!

Green eyed monster!

So I finally got over my plateau that lasted a few months & I hit a major milestone this week.... I am back to my lowest weight every, my pre-pregnancy weight from my first child.
You would think that would make me happy, and while it does, I can't help but be jealous of my friends who have also lost weight. Some of these ladies look amazing! And I'm so jealous of their figures & the way they look.
I'm so hippy (not Hippy as in a Hippie, peace loving person from the 60's, but as in hippy - a person with wide hips). And I hate it!! My hips are so wide and my waist is so small. I know people say an 'hourglass' figure is desirable, but I feel so out of proportion. My whole bottom half is still so large and I just can't figure out how to lose the weight in my lower half.
I have to remind myself that that is just the way my body is shaped. I'm curvy. Also, I've been overweight my entire life & I have excess skin left over. I will never be stick thin. That's just the way I am.  I need to accept that & learn to be happy with the way I look.