12!

I went to Old Navy today and tried on a pair of jeans in a size 12.... they fit! They weren't too tight, they were just perfect! But, I didn't buy them. I'm trying to wait til I get to my goal weight to buy new clothes. I think it's a waste to spend money on new clothes when I'm only going to wear them for a few months.
But it still felt good to try them on & have them fit! That's an ego boost that I desperately needed!
But then... I looked at myself in the mirror & saw all my flaws and couldn't be happy anymore. My belly stuck out, my butts still too big,  etc.   If my hips weren't so wide, I would probably be in a size 8 right now. Ug, I hate my hips. I hate my whole body. =(

Don't tell me my baby girl isn't cute!!!!!!!

We had princess's birthday party today.   I was in the bedroom changing her and my cousin (who is the same age as my oldest son - 5) comes in and says "My mommy says Princess isn't cute."
who says that about a baby????
My aunt is having issues with her husband and has been taking it out on everyone. she's bi-polar & crazy lately and all of my aunts & my mom have had it with her.
But to say that about my daughter just floored me.

She's right though. My daughter isn't cute.... she's BEAUTIFUL! 

The scale hates me!!!

I knew all this (fast) weight loss was too good to be true. The scale has come to a screeching hault lately. For the past week & a half the scale has gone up an ounce or two, then down an ounce or two. up & down. frustrating.
At first, I thought it was because last week I ate like crap - cupcakes, pizza, frozen hot chocolate, candy, cookies, etc etc. But this week I have stayed OP 100% and even exercised a few times. and I step on the scale today to see it's gone up 4 ounces? seriously? WTF? I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!
Along my weight loss journey I've been setting little mini goals for myself and I haven't achieved any of them on time. One was to be 190 by x-mas... only got to 193. another was to be 170 by my birthday & that was a total bust. I only made it to 180ish.
This time, I want to be 170 by July 15th. I'm 172 right now. I thought I was on track to achieve that goal & surpass it, but now my weight loss has come to a screeching hault that I might not even make it this time.

I'm so annoyed!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so lazy

I just tried to exercise for the first time in almost 3 weeks.... I made it15 minutes without giving up. I hate exercise with a passion.  I don't want to exercise ever again!  I wish I didn't have to exercise. Heck, I'm losing weight without exercise, so what's the point?   But.... I know if I want  a toned body then I have to put in the work, but I just don't want to. I'm soooo lazy lately.



I want a toned, sexy body, but I just want to sit on my big fat butt and not work for it. Ug. why does it have to be so hard? 


And where the heck is my treadclimber?  Come on & get here already and make me like exercise again

Ehhh

I didn't lose anything this week. I kind of had a feeling that would happen & I keep telling myself that atleast it's not a gain, but it was still a big disappointment. I hate when I don't lose anything... it feels like a wasted week. But I have to keep telling myself this is a marathon not a sprint and if it takes me a little longer then others, then so be it.

Another thing I've been struggling with lately is my body image. I've lost 60+ pounds and instead of being happy about it &  happy with my new body... I can't help but hate my body even more. All I see when I look at myself are the flaws. All the saggy, excess skin that just hangs there, the still-too fat butt, hips, legs, arms, etc.  The last time I was this weight my body was so different. I was toned and thought I looked good... it's tough to compare myself to that last time. I have about 20 pounds left to go to my goal weight, but sometimes I feel like that just isn't enough. that even when I get to 150, I'm still not going to be happy with my body & I'm still going to be fat and hate the way I look. 

50.... 60... do I hear 65???

Wow, it's been awhile since I posted. I guess I should make an update about my weight loss progress.
As of last Saturday, I have lost 62. 6 pounds in a little less then 12 months! I'm hoping that this week I might hit the 65 pound mark. It's been a rough week though, so I'm not sure if it's possible.
The kids & I have had a busy week - R graduated from preschool, dentist appointment for me,  the boys had ear doctors appointments & we found out that A  needs to get his tubes redone. On top of all that, I had TONS of work to do. So I didn't get a chance to exercise at all this week  =/
I did manage to stay on plan with my eating though, so we'll see if that's enough to help me with a loss this week.

I was picked by cafe mom to get a FREE bowflex treadclimber. that was a month & a half ago and I'm still waiting for the darn thing to arrive. Hopefully it will be here by next week. I need to get back to a strict exercise routine & hopefully that will give me the motivation to get back on track. I'm losing weight pretty fast (don't know how I'm doing it without exercise), but since I'm not working out as much, I'm not toning up as much as I would like to be. There's so much excess skin flapping around and I'm losing weight in all the wrong areas and some areas are still huge (butt, belly, hips, thighs). Hopefully this treadclimber is going to help me tone & trim my lower half.

So anyway... gotta go crash on the couch. I'm exhausted from a long day. I'll let you know how the scale goes tomorrow!!

628.....

We are going to Disney in Oct 2012.  This will be our first official vacation as a family!  I want to be at my goal weight by then (well, I'd really like to be there by the end of this year, but as long as it's by our trip, I don't care).
I want to be at 150. I know for some people, 150 would still be "fat" but for being over 200 pounds most of my life, I'll take 150. I don't need to be super skinny. I just don't want to look fat & gross in all our vacation photos.
So, 150 is 45 pounds away.
For fun I decided to figure out how much I would need to lose each day/week in order to meet the goal for my trip.
Oct 5th, 2012 is 628 days away (or almost 90 weeks). I need to lose 1.14 ounces per day  which is equivilent to 8 ounces (1/2 a pound) a week.

That definitely makes me feel like it's doable. I lose weight slowly but I can usually average about 1 pound per week.

Here I go.....